Help me make it through the night

If you were to take a survey of the people who know me, most people would describe me as cheerful, perky, sunny, smiley. I greet everyone I see, even most strangers. I smile at everyone, use "please", "thank you" and "excuse me" religiously. This time of year is always one of my favorites because for once my over-the-top-perkitude (it's a word, I made it up, feel free to use it) isn't over the top. It's downright normal. And I have to admit I've always looked down my snooty, too-perky nose at those who were sort of bah-humbug-ey. I still cry every time the Grinch's heart grows 3 sizes. That's the level of my perky dysfunction. But this year, I think I'm feeling them. This year, I want to give a defense to all those bah-humbug-ers. Maybe they have $0.19 in their checking account. Maybe they realized that this'll be the first Christmas in their little Stomp's 8 years on this Earth that they won't be there to see his eyes light up when he sees what Santa brought. Maybe they realized that they can't afford to have Santa bring him much of anything anyway. Maybe for the first time they weren't able to give to charity and had to take advantage,instead, this year. Maybe they haven't slept a decent night in weeks and they've forgotten to eat for 3 days in a row because everyone's sick. Maybe they've realized that because long distance relationships suck are hard, they're not even going to get to kiss their beloved under the mistletoe this year. Maybe the car's starting to make some scary noises and overheat and we have no idea how much longer we're going to have it. Maybe they've had a migraine for roughly 3 or 4 weeks because as the good Doctor put it their "life is trying to kill" them. Maybe they've had to pretty suddenly move. Maybe they've discovered those "good friends" weren't such good friends. Maybe they don't know who, if anyone, they can trust. Maybe they're using every ounce of extra "Christmas Spirit" to not cry in front of the kids...forget not crying at all, we gave that up ages ago. We're just trying to hold it together in front of the kids.

"Cuz one thing they don't tell you about the blues if you got 'em is you keep on fallin cuz there ain't no bottom". That's a line from my favorite EmmyLou Harris song. I think it should read something like this for my situation, "One thing they don't tell you about divorce if you're doin it is, is you keep on goin cuz what else can you do?". Because that's what I'm doing. I'm keeping on keeping on but I'm so tired. There is never anyone else. When Stomp has questions about why Mama "dumped Daddy" I'm the one to answer it. When Stomp wants to know why Daddy "hates Mama", I'm the one to answer it. When Stomp wants to know why we won't all be together this year to see what Santa brought, I'm there. Oh I never have answers, certainly never the right ones, but I'm the one who has to try to come up with something. As before, I'm the one responsible for meals and storytime and bedtime and getting ready for school and help with homework and getting to and from school and snuggles when we're sick and remember to take medicine and making dr's appointments and keeping dr's apppointments, etc. But this year, right now, this time of year, it all seems a lot bit much.

So the next time you see someone frowning at the Salvation Army guy. Or frantically tapping her watch as she waits behind you in line...Or when she sighs loudly while you complain over literally $0.15 before she then offers to just give you the $0.15 (leaving her $0.04)...when she looks like she might be trying to get out of Wal-Mart without crying...when she looks like she might need out of the Sunmart before she has a panic attack...When she's wrestling an ornery and mouthy, but still loveable 9 year old into the car and an 18 year old baby who won't wear a hat or socks or pants into a carseat or clothes or anyplace he's supposed to be...Try to cut her some slack. Give her a smile (a sympathetic one, not the patronizing one). Maybe whisper "I get it honey, it'll get better" as you go buy. You just might put half a crabby smile on a bah humbug-er's face.