A stoic mind

Well, in trying to get things back to normal around here, I think we'll kick off this Musical Monday with me and Joshie's favorite Mum-erd song right now. I *adore* this song in ways that are unhealthy. The sorrow and pain in it is practically touchable. It's the sorrow in Marcus' mournful wail. It's the reminder that in my marriage The Viking was a stoic mind and I was a bleeding heart. It's the reminder that he too had a bleeding heart, underneath, that I probably never saw. It's in the imagery of a man following the light of his love wherever it may lead him. It is haunting and captivating. I could listen to Marcus sing it for hours. I don't because I never have hours to myself, but if I ever have to have a job I hope it's stalking keeping a close eye on Marcus for all hours of the day...or at least one that lets me plug Sigh No More or Babel into the MP3 player and get my work on. When I sing this song to Joshua, with or without Marcus' accompaniment, he becomes completely still, curls himself up, sticks one thumb in his mouth and uses his other hand to softly knead my clothes (yes, much like a cat...he softly opens and clothes his fists in your clothing when he's 100% relaxed), he presses his cheek to mine and sways, or gazes deep into my eyes. In this household, we survive by the mantra of Keep Calm and Listen to Mumford & Sons. So, I give you the acoustic version of "Reminder". I hope it moves you the way it moves us.

It's all coming back to me

It's been about a year since my ex-husband and I decided to politely end things and remain friends. In 3 weeks it'll be about a year since that all blew up and it ended in such a tragic and violent and brutal way, I'm still wiping blood from the cuts and dealing with the trauma. I lost two important friends that day (and many others in the weeks that followed), my best friend and my ex-husband. In one fell-swoop. It had been building a long time and was a situation sizzling with the electricity of tension.

I'm stronger, now, than I ever knew I was. Smarter. Wiser. Braver. I was underestimated in a lot of ways in that awful week. I think my ex expected one thing to happen and was surprised when I couldn't be baited into doing anything that would result in the loss of my children. I think those were his intentions anyway. I don't honestly know because we're not allowed to speak with each other and that's for the best right now. The electricity of tension is still there, even in the public drop-offs and pick-ups of our children.

He seems to have found someone who makes him smile. I hope that's true. Whatever else I think of her, I hope she makes him happy.

I've found someone who truly values me and respects me, down deep at the roots of my core. Who knows all the parts of me, good and bad, and takes them and loves me and all those parts, too. Someone who lets me be all of me, not just part of me. It is true what Mumford & Sons say: "Love: it will not betray you, dismay or enslave you. It will set you free. Be more like the man you were made to be."

I've found friends in the most unlikely of places, people who have heard pieces of my story and come out of the woodwork to tell me they are sorry for my pain or they snort admire me or wanting to ask about the boys and make sure they are okay. I treasure these new friends, though I am cautious and protective of my heart these days. The true friends, the ones who have stood by me and been my friend, behind me to catch me when I fell, or in front of me to protect me, those friends are especially suspicious and protective. I treasure that, although I think I've learned people aren't who they claim to be and those who say they love you...well they may mean it, in their own way, it's just that their way may be so detrimental to your well-being that you're better off without their kind of love.

My beloved Jersey Mama and Mountain Mark have been in my corner through every step. Mountain Mark calls me Independent Erica. "Indie Eri".

I guess I am, now.

Life is a challenge, meet it

Patriot's Day is a civic holiday commemorating the first battles that began the American Revolution. This year it was also the date of a horrific tragedy that hit close to home. Boston is the home of Mr. Wonderful and the site of this year's bombings were close to his office. I'd like to stress that both him and everyone he works with are fine. But it was close to home for me. He called quickly to let me know he was safe. I was actually the first person he called, I'm sure. I worried all day that they might mention it in Stomp's classroom and he might come home worried about Mr. Wonderful. Thankfully it had happened late enough in the day here that they left it out of the classroom and I was able to be the one to talk to Nathan about it. I was on the phone with him while they were detailing the capture and it was in the town that a dear friend of his from work lives in. The police went through her home and again, this is all a little too close to home. But again, everyone is safe. Not just Mr. Wonderful, but my aunt and uncle who live and work in the area are as well. I have a lot to say about how it was handled and conspiracy theories, etc, but I'll save that for another day. I really just wanted to take the time to let the readers know Mr. W and my family were okay and to give you the following updates.

Now how about a little catch up? I'm doing okay. They've finally (after 9 years) found the problem to some girl issues I've been having. It's a very simple girl problem that someone probably should've caught sometime in the last 9 years. I'm happy, obviously, with Mr. Wonderful and enjoying every time we're able to sneak together. I got a new pair of Chucks in the mail yesterday from him and am told I have a bundle of tea coming as there may or may not have been a local tea crisis (don't ask y'all, seriously). I'm really loving my little apartment and am enjoying a home with no bad memories, no trauma, just happy memories. I spend a lot of time with my bestie and we've been having a ton of fun experimenting with hair changes but I think I'm going to wind up just going back to a nice simple coppery color, but it's been a blast experimenting (and if you need a cut or color in the Lincoln area, I have your hookup!)


Divorce shoes anyone?

Stomp's doing well in school. He's completely mastered fractions and decimals. He's thoroughly enjoying some non-fiction reading. He continues to be praised at school for his kind nature and his good manners. He helps out with his brother whenever he can and is okay with taking on more responsibility chore-wise now that he's compared his chore list to mine. Suddenly his don't seem so bad. He's going to be taking a basketball camp at the end of May and swim lessons this summer and is excited that we'll have a pool pass and a children's museum pass this year.


Stomp, with his favorite Hobbit poster

Joshua is...well...quite suddenly very two. He's got over 200 words. Thanks to Mr. Wonderful, he's developing a weird hybrid midwestern/boston accent. He says things like lobst-uh and Wes Welk-uh (yes, we know Wes Welk-uh has been traded to Denv-uh). He enjoys being read to and really loves music, especially "Mum-erd" (Mumford & Sons) and he likes to listen to Garth Brooks and yell "God Bless Chris Ledoux!" At the park he especially loves the slides and is learning to pick up after himself. He can count to 17 now (the number of stairs on each floor of our apartment) and especially loves Blue's Clues and Curious George.


"Here I am, ladies. You are *welcome*."


Ladies loooooooove country boys

"Honest victories over desperation" - Thomas Merton

Here's the problem really with reading and writing. The two, for me, are very inter-connected. I want to write more when I'm reading but I find my free time (did any other moms laugh until they cried when they read that phrase?) spent devouring new works, new authors, words, turns of phrase, new spins on old ideas. I'm currently giving Tolstoy another go, thoroughly enjoying Thomas Merton and re-reading some old Leonard Cohen (because you can never go wrong with Leonard Cohen). What are you reading? Besides me. Because I'm not on par with those guys. Except maybe Tolstoy***. He's kind of...dry. And say what you will about me, at least I'm not dry.

***NOTE*** Why yes I did just say I was better than Tolstoy. It's my "Beatles are bigger than Jesus are moment". The press (heh heh)is going to have my head on a platter.

A whisper of a name

Breathless.

It's the word she uses to describe this. This pounding of her heart in her veins. This blurring of her vision. This shaking of her hands. The tremble in her voice.

Yes, that was it, breathless.

The way the world spun out of control. The way time melted away. The way no one existed but them. The way problems and worries and tension and trauma were washed away like teardrops in the rain.

No need for air, with a heart like this.

The heart that pounds out of her chest. The heart that whispers "I love you" with every beat in her chest. The heart that is fragile and scarred but safe and forever his now.

She draws in a shaky breath, anyway, just so she can exhale a breathy whisper of his name.

Each breath she takes from here on out belongs to him. Each breath she takes is a flash of memory of one detail of their love story. Each breath carries with it the sound of his name. Each breath is shallow, though their love is deep.

Breathless.

“Begin, be bold, and venture to be wise." -- Horace

It's a simple life, what mine has become. I get everyone up and fed and get Stomp off to school. Joshie and I start on my SHE stuff. When he takes his morning nap, I lay down on the couch and watch Drew Carey on The Price is Right. Sometimes I doze off myself. When he gets up he eats enough food to feed a large asian nation his lunch and I nibble something too. We finish whatever chores are on our list and get busy with the playing and learning. He's already (at a mere 18 months old) got more than 100 words, can almost count to 10 and knows an alarming number of body parts. When the time comes to get Bubba, we go to the school and he "reads" his book while I enjoy the quiet time in the car reading whatever I've obsessively hoarded compiled on my kindle. When we get home, Stomp does his chores and whatever homework he may have. Then Joshie laughs uproariously while Mama either does the free-run or free-step on the Wii fit while watching Dr Phil. We have supper and baths and then it's Joshie's bed time. Then it's time for Mama-Stomp time and we usually read (we've thoroughly enjoyed The Hobbit and will be beginning the first book in the trilogy shortly). Sometimes we talk to Grandma and Papa in Albuquerque or Nany or a handful of other family and/or friends and sometimes we have them over for playdates. Around 8 I let Nathan watch tv (mostly Futurama these days) and then he goes down for the night at 9 and I talk to my better half. Him and I usually watch tv or listen to old timey radio shows while we're on the phone or on skype. We fall asleep on the phone together.

Simple, right? Very normal. Very hum-drum and ho-hum. But it's mine. I'm no longer under the heavy hand of someone else's control. I get to do things I like to do. If I want to watch tv in the living room on the good tv, I don't have to wait until someone's done playing Call of Duty. If I never want to make another meatloaf again, I don't have to. If I never want to smell fish or grow and pick and slice okra again, I don't have to. When the boys are with their dad, if I want to wear nothing but a tshirt and fuzzy socks and slide all over the tile, I can. If I want to stay up till midnight watching tv or reading or staring at the moon sucking on a rock, I can. I never once lived alone after I graduated. I went straight from my parent's house to living with Mike.

For the first time in my adult life at the ripe young age of 32 29 again, I feel like an independent, strong, competent, responsible, capable woman.

...except for that sliding around in my fuzzy socks thing.

Give the world the best you have

A quick, really quick, glance back at 2012. Then a long look forward to 2013.

In 2012 I saw the violent and traumatic end of 2 friendships and my 10 year long marriage. I fell head over heels in love. I learned that I'm stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. I learned that I can do anything. I learned that people will take advantage of your kindness at every turn and that it's important to be more discerning with who you give your kindness and generosity to (but not to stop giving and being kind). I learned betrayal is everywhere. I learned my boys and I are the most amazing little family. I learned that we love, laugh and give of ourselves and that those are all good things. I learned my Mama and my Mark and some very close friends (y'all know who you are) are all I really need to pull me through. I learned that love doesn't have to involve heartache and fear. I learned, at last, what those romance writers have been talking about. I learned what it means to have the world stand still, to have shivers whenever someone touches you and to feel breathless, speechless and like your heart is going to beat out of your chest when you simply look at someone.

In 2013, I vow to be kinder to everyone including and especially myself. I vow to give myself a break every now and then. I'm going to go back to school and continue work on my book. I'm going to cradle and treasure the gift of writing as I was blessed with it. I'm going to make tacos for dinner every single time Stomp wants to eat them. I'm going to continue to love all the new words Joshua has (just a few, "love you, bah bah", "there you go", "juice", "diaper", "Nathan", "tank you", "welcome", "pease", "one more bite?"). I'm going to work to teach him even more body parts (besides eyes, ears and nose). I'm going to love playing with him more than I already do and look forward to us thawing out so we can take daily trips to the playground and start walking to the school to pick up Bubba. I'm going to work on multiplication with Nathan and try to get him into the Superfudge books. I'm going to start reading him The Fellowship Of The Ring. I'm going to make time to work out (because I like it and miss it) and especially to get some yoga in before bed. I'm going to make more of an effort to be social and to not hide in my house so much. I'm going to do a bible study with my sister-friend Chelise.

In 2013, I'm going to be happy to be 100% myself and I'm going to be thankful for, every single day, this little family God gave me to head up. Amen. 10-4 good buddy.