THAT part of my brain gets real active around 11 or so. And there's not much room for logic at 11 p.m. when you know the baby's going to be up in 7 hours and need all your attention. You know you're going to need to be ready for such ridiculous games as "how much milk can Goshie* spit out in one sitting?" and "how long will it take Goshie to figure out how to undo all the child-proofing hardware it took Mama and her crew literally 3.5 hours to install?". Not to mention the math homework you're making the 9 year old do all summer so
And that's really the problem. You find yourself going through the motions. Oh sure, there are the moments that really, really, profoundly matter. The hugs and kisses with the kids. When Nathan smiles sweetly at you and tells you "I love you Mom." Or, when Joshie grabs your hand for a quick impromptu dance to Mumerd and then claps his hand and says "up, Mama, loaf you". The sweet snuggles before bed when we read and say prayers. The quiet nights with Mr. Wonderful who is full of sweet things, compliments and plenty of his own counter-arguments to those insults and anxiety-inducing thoughts.
But the problem really comes that when you've spent so long trapped somewhere you didn't want to be, you find it hard to trust that you deserve genuine happiness when it comes along. So you question it. You push it away. You fight against it, when there doesn't need to be a fight. If you're lucky, and I am, your guy will see what you're doing it, call you on it, and remind you he's not going anywhere. He'll remind you that he thinks you're worthwhile, he sees about 1001 things to love and he'll never be going anywhere because this thing, and you, are worth it, worth everything. If you're really lucky he'll remind you of those 1001 things until you start to say maybe 2 or 3 things that are worthwhile. Maybe even eventually you can think of 5 or 6 or, hell, 10 or 12.
I'm not sure where I was going with all of this. Except that sometimes I need to brain vomit onto
Go to bed Erica, you're
*"Goshie" is actually how Joshua pronounces his own name. It's the most adorkable thing ever.