Sunday, May 19, 2013

It's all coming back to me

It's been about a year since my ex-husband and I decided to politely end things and remain friends. In 3 weeks it'll be about a year since that all blew up and it ended in such a tragic and violent and brutal way, I'm still wiping blood from the cuts and dealing with the trauma. I lost two important friends that day (and many others in the weeks that followed), my best friend and my ex-husband. In one fell-swoop. It had been building a long time and was a situation sizzling with the electricity of tension.

I'm stronger, now, than I ever knew I was. Smarter. Wiser. Braver. I was underestimated in a lot of ways in that awful week. I think my ex expected one thing to happen and was surprised when I couldn't be baited into doing anything that would result in the loss of my children. I think those were his intentions anyway. I don't honestly know because we're not allowed to speak with each other and that's for the best right now. The electricity of tension is still there, even in the public drop-offs and pick-ups of our children.

He seems to have found someone who makes him smile. I hope that's true. Whatever else I think of her, I hope she makes him happy.

I've found someone who truly values me and respects me, down deep at the roots of my core. Who knows all the parts of me, good and bad, and takes them and loves me and all those parts, too. Someone who lets me be all of me, not just part of me. It is true what Mumford & Sons say: "Love: it will not betray you, dismay or enslave you. It will set you free. Be more like the man you were made to be."

I've found friends in the most unlikely of places, people who have heard pieces of my story and come out of the woodwork to tell me they are sorry for my pain or they snort admire me or wanting to ask about the boys and make sure they are okay. I treasure these new friends, though I am cautious and protective of my heart these days. The true friends, the ones who have stood by me and been my friend, behind me to catch me when I fell, or in front of me to protect me, those friends are especially suspicious and protective. I treasure that, although I think I've learned people aren't who they claim to be and those who say they love you...well they may mean it, in their own way, it's just that their way may be so detrimental to your well-being that you're better off without their kind of love.

My beloved Jersey Mama and Mountain Mark have been in my corner through every step. Mountain Mark calls me Independent Erica. "Indie Eri".

I guess I am, now.

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