Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Was it what you wanted? Could it be I'm haunted?

I'm sick for the 89034th time again. Because rocking pneumonia walking pneumonia is super heavy on fatigue and Joshua is not super heavy on sleep, The Viking ex and his woman graciously offered to keep Joshie so I could get the rest I reallly really really desperately needed. It was a wonderful thing for them to do and I am truly honored by their generosity. I cannot stress enough how helpful it's been to get the kind of rest I need. This is no way a bash the ex and his girlfriend session. Quite the opposite, actually. I cannot get enough sleep no matter WHAT I do and I would be lost and exhausted and might not ever heal if they hadn't graciously offered to keep the baby. Nathan basically fends for himself. But Joshua...well we don't call him the Stunt Baby for nothing.

But.... Nathan had a Scouts thing and The Viking brought the girlfriend their baby girl and Goshie up so I could see him. The Viking went to help out. So we sat here somewhat awkwardly, mostly cooing at the babies to avoid conversation. But that's not the part that has left my heart ever so broken. When I tried to pick Joshua up, he wouldn't let me. In fact he cried and reached for the girlfriend. Everytime I tried to get him to come me he cried and snuggled against her, head tucked up under her chin, kneading his fingers in and out of her sweater. Being soothed by her. You know like he used to be by me. Several times he asked her "mommy up?".

Please don't misunderstand me. I am so happy my boys have someone who maks them feel safe and comforted. But I'm Mama. And everytime I've gotten that mental picture into my head I've cried. Because that's my baby. The one I tried for so many years to have until finally, finally, God blessed me with him. Hell they've even managed to get him potty trained.

Nothing in this world will make you feel like a bad mother than being physically rejected by your child in favor of another woman who he is now calling "mama".

I'm pretty sure times like are the reason the doctor prescribed a heathy dose of Xanax. But I didn' take it. I made some tea. Put on a ridiculous documentary and got this off my chest here. My heart, the one that grew a million sizes when Joshua was born after I'd been told I couldn't have any more babies, is now like broken glass.

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